Angela Aspen Should Be Fighting the Delusion

A number of ex-porn stars have been popping up on this website FightTheNewDrug.org, which advances a ragingly anti-porn credo that at least in a couple of cases has been proven to be carefully manufactured propaganda using footage and/or soundbites from industry veterans the site's crusaders—believed to be connected with the Mormon church—either misled or quoted out of context.

Trump Batman Comment Brings Out News Retardation

Somehow Donald Trump offhandedly remarking "I am Batman" to a 9-year-old kid has drawn a rash of blubbery coverage from the likes of CNN, Newsweek, The Huffington Post, Breitbart, the NY Daily News and many, many more. Whether you support Trump or find him a raving imbecile, this utterly innocuous slice of nothingness has exactly zero bearing on anything. It's so inconsequential, any news outlet that picked it up should be fined for journalistic fraud. If such fines could be levied. The point is, it's not news. So shut up about it, newspeople. Vicki Vale would be so ashamed.

New Taco Bell Grillers Throw Down Live Mas Gauntlet

Hot on the heels (not sorry for the pun) of Burger King rolling out its Fiery Chicken Fries (see earlier post), Taco Bell has effectively guffawed in the King's creepy face and exclaimed, "You call that fiery? Allow us to show you fiery!"—or in more reality-based terms, introduced its own new trio of super-spicy menu items, Dare Devil Loaded Grillers. The three varieties are Fiery Ghost Pepper, Hot Habanero and Mild Chipotle. Not sure why you would throw that last pussy-sounding one under the "Dare Devil" umbrella, but the other two get a "shit yes." To be honest, ghost pepper is kind of terrifying, and not just because it has "ghost" in its name, but also because much like ghosts, its very existence seemed made up until just now when Google proved otherwise. Sooooo anyway, mouth-haunting dare accepted, Taco Bell.

Husslas Don't Need No Spell Check

Thanks to Christian XXX for supplying this on his Twitter ... apparently the makers of this coffee cup were so eager to be living exemplars of the deeply inspired adage they wished to bestow upon the masses by way of the coffee cup medium that they failed to run the template past anybody with spelling ability before jamming the cups through to market. Hussle on, you coffee cup Sartres.

Breaking: BK Turns Chicken Fries Fiery

Chicken fries are a curious creation ... why anyone saw a need to basically stretch out the chicken nugget is anyone's guess. But now Burger King has expanded the whole chicken fry frontier by adding new companion ones to its menu that are FIERY. This genuinely changes everything. And they're not fucking around—according to the BK website, these Fiery Chicken Fries aren't just fiery, they're "offensively spicy." Check back for a follow-up report on these later. At some point. Maybe.

Some Dude on Twitter Makes Axel Braun Meme

So this story got posted some places yesterday about how fans were begging Axel Braun to make a Fantastic Four movie that's actually good. At the heart of the story is the meme to left that seems to have been created a couple days ago by one Julian James in Melbourne, who proudly twatted late last night that his meme had made Cosmic Book News. (Apparently he missed that it also made Adult Video News.) The moral to be gleaned here, then, is that memes now constitute news. Guess there's some shred of comfort construable from the fact that Julian at least used "you're" and not "your." Talk about having no hope.

Truffle Fries in Chip Form

Lay's has placed this potato chip flavor on the market as part of its annual "Do Us a Flavor" campaign, and goddamit if it's not the most enticing chip flavor ever to appear. If you've never had truffle fries, go get some. And while you're out, pick up a bag of these chips and bring them over. Thanks. Also some beer. You da man.

That Dude Done Seen a Sasquatch

A dude on vacation in the North Carolina mountains took the following video with his phone while walking his dog Zippy near his rental cabin Thursday morning. It's pretty easy to assume this dude is a loopy nutbag who somehow mistook a bear for Bigfoot, until you watch the video, which definitely looks like footage of something that is not a bear getting chased off by Zippy's yappy dog yaps. This is a tough one. Because that shit looks like a goddamn Sasquatch. And if there's anyplace a Sasquatch is likely to exist, it's the mountains of North Cackalack. Then again, could just be a backwoods local fucking with out-of-towners.

Micheal Weinstein, You've Got It All Backwards

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Retired Porn Stars: The New Arbiters of Goodness?

A website called MMAMania.com posted a story today with this headline: "Ronda Rousey is so good she even impresses retired adult film stars." There are any number of guesses one might venture as to just what in the regal fuck that's supposed to mean, but the long and short of the story itself is that Lisa Ann spent a few moments extolling Rousey's virtues during her weekly guest spot on the Mad Dog Sports Radio show "Morning Men."

So back to that headline, it's already off the mark by espousing that Rousey impresses retired adult film stars, when in fact there's only one retired adult film star in the discussion.

The Dictionary Be On Fleek, Fo' Shizzle

The term "fo' shizzle" has officially been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. Because if enough people start using the distorted versions of actual words, that makes the distorted versions words too, apparently. Which would be cool, except that it begs the question of why "ma nizzle" remains unsanctioned by the linguistic authority.

But don't fret—while Oxford may not recognize it, "ma nizzle" does appear in McGraw-Hill's Dictionary of American Slang and Colloquial Expressions ... at least as one half of a single entry with its vernacular counterpart. Good lookin' out, McGraw-Hill:

The Jenner Girls Are D Crazy

Following for your enjoyment is a Vine of Kylie Jenner doing a lap dance atop Kendall Jenner (respectively, the youngest and next-to-youngest of the clan, in case you don't keep up, which good for you) while both gleefully lip-synch the chorus to the New Boyz love ballad "Freak My Shit," which goes as such: "Put yo ass on my dick, and pose for this shit / OK now freak my shit, freak my shit..." No matter what one might think of these fair maidens, there is this much to be said: While most of their species tend to operate on a basis of cloaked thoughts and desires, the Jenner girls refreshingly eschew any such covertness.

Life Is Garbage

This started out as a test post just to use as an aid in designing the layout of the site, and for whatever reason, the picture of garbage you see here seemed like a good placeholder. But maybe the choice of a garbage picture wasn't all that arbitrary. Maybe it was a subconscious manifestation of a deeply rooted belief that our entire existence ultimately amounts to one steaming pile of refuse. Either way, pictures are fun.

Welcome to Schtupped.com

What is Schtupped.com? That remains to be seen. But if there's one thing that can be said, it's this: Who doesn't like schtupping? Nobody, that's who. So naming a website for it seemed like a pretty mother-flipping bright plan if ever there was one. If you agree, maybe this is the site for you. If not, hey, nobody's holding a gun to your head.